1. The prospect of dying here thanks to an earthquake,
riot, flood, coyote attack, etc.; 2. The utterly
vile Rainbow Room; 3. The fact that the ozone
layer seems to be especially depleted over L.A., making the feel of sunlight
on your skin a harsh, frightening experience; 4.
There may be less grey weather here than other places, but it sucks a lot
more when it comes; 5. The Viper Room;6.
When it rains, other drivers always act like it’s the first time this meteorological
event has ever occurred, and are so panicked they forget how to drive;7.
the popcorn at the Sunset 5; 8. traffic jams
at two in the afternoon and eleven at night; 9.
the horrific City of Commerce; 10. the even
more horrific City of Industry; 11. Van Nuys
-- the most horrific of all; 12. The utterly
wasteful, corrupt, useless and destructive subway project; 13.
Disneyland discontinued the Main Street Electrical Parade; 14.
Many apartments here come without refrigerators; 15.
Street cleaning tickets (and the non-clean streets they apparently don’t
pay for); 16. Jaywalking tickets; 17.
Cars on Hollywood Boulevard getting towed after 9 P.M. on Friday and Saturday
nights for no apparent reason; 18. Too many
slimy people in luxury cars; 19. We’re in
the middle of a fucking desert; 20. Smog;21.
Insincerity is considered a virtue; 22. So
is inane conformity; 23. Ditto superficiality;24.
Herculean task of getting entertainment gigs should mean great movies,
t.v. and music for all -- in fact, means opposite;25.
Orange County; 26. Pete Wilson; 27. The L.A.P.D.;28.
Merv Griffin wound up with way too much money;29.
No Bruegger’s Bagels;30. Impossible to get
a decent steak and cheese sub; 31. People pay a huge amount of money
to live in a housing development with a name as pretentious as “Mt. Olympus”;
People pay a huge amount of money to live on the sides of cliffs, despite
frequent mudslides and earthquakes;33. People
pay a huge amount of money to live in Sherman Oaks, for Christ’s sake;34.
Someone you know will succumb to an actual killer bee attack any day now;35.
The Henry Jaglom film EATING was apparently something of a hit here;36.
The town that fucked over Orson Welles now pays Adam Sandler $7 million
per picture;37. Activision;38.
Los Feliz; 39. Secret plan underway to turn
every building in city into either a Ralph’s or a McDonald’s; 40.
Lack of anything better to do than work twelve hour days results in horrifying
realization that ten years have slipped by while you were struggling with
the copying machine, attending meetings and waiting for phone calls to
be returned; 41. The Lava Lounge;42.
The Tiki Ti; 43. Mobsters in the record industry;44.
Hell on romance (or is that romance hell?);45.
No seasons; 46. Really gross architecture;
More hot weather means less time to wear cool trenchcoats and black turtleneck
sweaters;48. Every day here is another day
you could have been living somewhere better;49.
Ironically, there are more jobs here than in those aforementioned other,
better places, which makes it hard to convince yourself to leave even if
you want to;50. Traffic lights on on-ramps;51.
Reliance on car vs. feet means you’re likely to weigh more here (unless
you want to add an hour to your 12-hour work day and get up at 6 AM to
play raquetball every morning; 52. There are actually quite a few
Angelenos who DO get up at 6 AM to play raquetball (with their personal
trainers}, and they’ll always look better than you;
Everything’s too spread out to walk places even if you wanted to;54.
If you do decide to walk, you’ll most likely find yourself without a sidewalk
to walk on;55. If you decide to risk walking
anyway, you quickly realize that L.A. is even more depressing when you’re
walking through it;
56. If you decide to go
to a park to walk, it will be filled with dog shit; 57.
The sight of people cleaning up the dogshit and carrying it around until
they find a garbage can is only slightly less disgusting than stepping
in the stuff;58. Memories and experiences
here tend to blur together, making it hard to tell the difference between
today, yesterday and a year ago; 59. You were
much younger when you arrived;60. Contaminated
surf; 61. That guy on Venice Beach with the
turban, roller skates and electric guitar stopped being cute the second
time you saw him; 62. Going out is such a pain in the butt, a real
effort must be made to avoid turning into a cave-dwelling troglodyte; 63.
Once you do become a cave-dwelling troglodyte, you spend way, way, way
too much time sitting at your computer; 64.
Young Hollywood;65. Young Hollywood wanna-bes;66.
Spoiled rich people (especially the ones who bitch out minimum wage employees
of fast food establishments, supermarkets, etc.); 67.
Skanky Sunset Strip rock-and-rollers; 68. People talking on their cel phones
in obnoxious places (at the beach, on roller coasters, etc.); 69.
Party hopping isn’t much fun when you have to keep getting back in your
car, but people seem bent on doing it anyway; 70.
An eerie absence of natural smells;71. Plenty
of unnatural smells; 72. The KROQ play-list;73.
No true sense of community, in city or entertainment industry; 74.
Difficult to quit the scene and go home without feeling like a quitter;75.
Eerie sense that even if you succeed beyond your wildest dreams, it’s still
going to kind of suck; 76. Death-defying highway
designs often cause your lane to disappear out from under you or force
you to pull off the highway directly in front of cars that are zooming
onto it; 77. Angelenos would sooner gouge
out their own eyes than let you into their lane, no matter how dire your
need to be there or how insignificant the sacrifice would be on their part
to let you in; 78. All holidays (with the exception of Halloween)
suck here; 79. Indifference is the number one emotion;80.
Smug superiority is the number two (and ardently desired) emotion;81.
The places where you can just hang out, window-shop and commune with your
fellow man get old real fast (i.e., Third Street Promenade, Venice Beach,
Westwood, WeHo, the Beverly Center, Melrose Avenue, etc.); 82.
Parking’s a bitch; 83. Beverly Hills;84.
Left turns; 85. Dark, secret reasons for hating
the city that should never be spoken aloud (which would probably add at
least another twenty items to the list); 86. The cool art gallery
next to the Virgin Megastore has been replaced by another frigging gym;
Can’t drive a mile without running into a torn up road or one in desperate
need of tearing up;88. Living in South Central
must be a real drag;89. Whiny people like
me who keep complaining about L.A. but never seem to leave; 90.
Stupid, sprawling layout of city was done on purpose by evil, greedy people
many years ago, meaning that maybe it all could have been so much better;91.
Speaking of which, the actual city of Los Angeles could probably be a thriving
fun place after dark rather than the creepy ghost town it becomes -- I
suspect the evil, greedy people had a hand in this as well; 92.
The cigar craze; 93. The heroin craze; 94.
The once fabulous Blue Saloon now turns into the loathsome Club Dump on
Saturday nights;95. Pink Dot -- what a ripoff;96.
O.J. and the guys who beat up Rodney King walked;97.
Brentwood; 98. Parents pull strings to get
their kids into the most prestigious nursery schools;99.
After living here on and off for ten years I am still neither rich nor
famous; 100. I can’t think of a hundredth thing that I hate, and,
yes, I blame this on L.A.
ma, I wanna go...