Suddenly, everyone starts talking at once.
"Helen is dead?" Governor Asher gasps, falling back into a chair.
Brother Sputum covers his crotch with the stuffed cat prop from his costume and shouts, "The Grim Reaper is a man named Salvatore! He's been paid off by Jack Marston to kill somebody! He has a gun pointed at me right now!"
Before Sputum can even finish, Salvatore (the Grim Reaper) grabs Sally Barnes and sticks a gun in her ear, backing towards the door. "Back off, pigs," he snarls.
Suddenly, Gus the Viking sticks out a foot and trips him; the police instantly wrestle him to the ground and wrestle the gun from his hand.
"This is preposterous!" Marston shouts as police grab him.
Brother Puris declares, "I don't know about all of youse, but this Injun needs a stiff Manhattan. Any of you broads are welcome to join me at the bar . If Joe Friday needs me, that's where I'll be cuz I don't know nothin."
He heads for the hall exit, but Sgt. Duffy grabs him and says, "You're not going anywhere, Sunshine! You've got more explaining to do than anyone! Why is there blood all over your costume? What do you know about the body in the furnace? And what did you have to do with Chip Ashcroft's death? Both Jack Marston and Mike Wellman say you killed him!"
During the commotion, Brother Vadge walks over to Avengelyne (Red Sonja) and says, "Hey, babe, I got the meat." Brother Foooz pulls a beer from his flak jacket and downs it, looking perplexed.
Sgt. Duffy turns to Brother Sputum and says, "How do you know Jack Marston hired Salvatore to kill somebody?"
Then he turns to the rest of the room and says, "If everyone tells me what they know, then maybe we can piece this whole thing together!"
Sgt. Duffy looks around the room for answers.
"Suck my fat one, you cheap dimestore hood!" Brother Nitrous shouts, flipping him off.
Avengelyne tries to leave, but police block her path.
Getting no response from her,
Brother Vadge tells Sgt. Duffy that he's been wandering
around in the shrubbery and has only seen a big rabbit statue and heard
a recorded dog bark.
After relaying this information, Brother Vadge says, "Can I go home now?"
Sgt. Duffy consults with the other cops, then says, "Yes, we have no further questions for you, Brother Vadge. You're free to go...but nobody else."
He turns to Brother Puris and says, "Now spill the beans, Chief."
Brother Puris says that he is shocked by those who judge him, then goes on to explain: "I went into the bathroom and saw a woman in the tub. I was checking to see what was wrong with her and BOOM, for real I was out. I woke up with a headache and a body on top of me...fucking blood and piss all over me. Then things got nuts. Guns, yelling, wrestling, oof. I must of freaked. I went down into the wine cellar and then ya'll brought me here. Now how bout we all go get a drink? Cuz I don't know about the furnace, or my dear brother Chip. This makes my head hurt. Or we could all go down to the video room and review the evening on those monitors. There's plenty of wine down there. What do you say, Hef?"
Sgt. Duffy nods to one of the cops and says, "That's a good idea...go get those surveillance videotapes..."
Suddenly, Jack Marston jumps up and points to Brother Puris. "He killed Chip! I saw it! They were fighting, then Brother Puris pushed Chip down the stairs and broke his neck! I saw it happen! He's a murderer!"
All eyes turn to Brother Puris as Sally Barnes rises to add to the story: "Look, I don't know too much. People at this party haven't been too friendly, so mainly I've been drifting around. Anyway, here's what I know. I was trying to find the bathroom at about 9:15, and see this woman, the Fairy Queen, lying on the bed, bleeding from a wound in her hip. She gasped to me before she became insensible, 'Tell Richard, Tell him it's all gone wrong'. Pretty fishy if you ask me. So then a paramedic comes out of the bathroom saying that there's more blood there. I don't know if it was the Fairy Queen's or not, she passed out before I could ask her, so I follow the paramedic into the bathroom...this is about 9:20...and the paramedic pointed out that under the tub there was a feather, a metal stud and a tuft of white fuzz that looked like cat hair. So I think you should find out what Brother Doofus the slime man was doing before 9:20. Also, he was looking mighty nervous when you brought him into the room."
She finishes by suggesting that the police should talk to Bernadette the cat woman, Richard the Big Bad Wolf, Brother Puris and Brother Nitrous, because of the clues she found. "Sorry I couldn't be more helpful," she blushes. "I came to the party late, and seemingly missed out on a lot."
Just then, a policeman enters the room and hands Sgt. Duffy a computer print-out. He looks startled, then says, "The lab has identified the body in the furnace as Veronica Ashcroft-Wellman..."
"But...I thought they found Veronica's body in the master bedroom," Gus says, confused.
"How is this possible?" Sgt. Duffy asks, addressing the room. "What's going on here? How can Veronica's corpse be in two places at once? If one of the bodies isn't Veronica, then who is it?"
Outside, you hear an eerie moan and feel a sudden sense of forboding
10:00 P.M.
The clock strikes ten. There is a of lightning and a of thunder!
"I don't know anything," Brother Nitrous shouts. "I've been smoking crack with the governor or senator or whatever he is."
"That's a lie!" Governor Asher shouts.
"No it's not!" Amanda shouts. "We've got it on film, sucker!"
"You bitch!" the governor screams. "This inquisition is over!"
Governor Asher and Avengelyne head towards the hall, but Sgt. Duffy blocks their path. "Nobody's going anywhere. We're getting to the bottom of this right now."
"I did not hurt anybody," Brother Puris insists. "Chip was alive when I ran out of the laundry room. The tapes will show you. As for Smthye, when the motorcycle came in the door he had some sort of attack. He asked for his pills . That's why I went upstairs. Then I was beat on the head. I was trying to save the old fellow and I get hurt . Now you believe this liar who says I killed my best friend in cold blood. I'm hurt."
With that, Brother Puris attempts to leave, but the police restrain him. "Where do you think you're going?" Sgt. Duffy says. "Right now, I'd say you're our number one suspect."
Just then, another cop rolls in a t.v. and VCR and says, "Sgt. Duffy, we've edited together the relevant surveillance tapes to show what happened."
"Let her rip," Sgt. Duffy says as the cop presses the "PLAY" button on the VCR, causing the following events to unspool:
************************************************************************************************************
7:30 P.M., Ballroom: Brother Foooz, the Marine, spills a beer on Veronica, the Fairie Queen. During the commotion, Alicia, the Sexy Vampire, steals Brother Foooz’s Marine sword.
7:35 P.M., Hedge maze: Richard, the Big Bad Wolf, pulls a hypodermic needle from a baggie and slips it into his pocket. Brother Puris, the Indian Chief, is following him at a discreet distance.
7:45 P.M., Stables: Governor Asher beats his wife, Helen, with a riding crop.
7:45 P.M., Ballroom: The Sexy Vampire crashes into Brother Nitrous (the leather guy) and Brother Doofus (the slime man) on her way out of the ballroom, grabbing bits of their costumes (i.e., a leather strap and a handful of slime) in the process.
7:50 P.M., Dining Room: A sobbing Fairie Queen consults with Jack Marston, the Sheik.
7:55 P.M., Ballroom: Chip bumps into his father, Mike Wellman, and slips something into his drink, then they scream at each other.
7:55 P.M., Front Hall: A feather from Brother Puris’ costume and a tuft of cat hair from Brother Sputum’s costume are lying on the ground. The Sexy Vampire scoops up these items and adds them to her collection, then heads upstairs. Smythe wheels Icy’s motorcycle into the hall, then has a heart attack and collapses.
7:55 P.M., Veronica’s office: The Big Bad Wolf climbs a ladder and enters the office through a window, then grabs some sheets and goes into the bathroom.
8:00 P.M., Second Floor Hall: The Sexy Vampire enters Veronica’s bedroom.
8:05 P.M., Second Floor Hall: The Fairie Queen enters her bedroom.
8:05 P.M., Ballroom: The Fairie Queen waves from the balcony of her bedroom.
8:20 P.M., Second Floor Hall: A lot of people appear in the hall. The Fairie Queen emerges from Smythe's bathroom and the Sexy Vampire emerges from Veronica's bedroom.
8:30 P.M., Second Floor Hall: Mike Wellman rushes madly into Smythe's bathroom, followed by the Sexy Vampire and the Fairie Queen.
8:40 P.M., Veronica's office: Brother Puris goes from the office to Veronica's bathroom. A couple of minutes later, the Big Bad Wolf emerges carrying some huge, heavy, bloody bundle wrapped in sheets.
8:40 P.M., Second Floor Hall: The Big Bad Wolf drops the bloody laundry bundle down the laundry chute, then goes back into Veronica's office.
8:45 P.M., Veronica's Office: The Big Bad Wolf climbs out the window and down the ladder.
8:45 P.M., Second Floor Hall: Mike Wellman bursts from Smythe's bathroom, barely restrained by the Fairie Queen and the Sexy Vampire. He seems to be tripping his brains out. He grabs Chip; a gun falls from Chip's waistband and goes off, wounding a secret service agent in a gorilla suit.
8:50 P.M., Greenhouse: Gus gives Helen Asher a hypodermic needle. She injects herself and falls to the ground, then Gus leaves her body on the ground and exits.
9:00 P.M., Kitchen: The Big Bad Wolf sneaks out of the laundry room and goes to the dining room. A moment later, Brother Puris carries the big bloody bundle (which now seems smaller and less heavy) out of the laundry room and dumps it in the incinerator.
9:00 P.M., Second Floor Hall: Chip has the gun again; the Grim Reaper and Mike Wellman wrestle with him. The gun goes off and hits the Fairie Queen. Chip runs and dives down the laundry chute.
9:15 P.M., Cellar: Brother Puris is at the top of the stairs. Chip dives on him and they tumble down the stairs; Chip lands at the bottom with a broken neck.
**********************************************************************************
There is a stunned pause, then Brother Foooz says, ''Uh....did Veronica have a twin sister?" Then he goes and sits down near Amanda, but not too close.
The moaning from outside grows louder and closer.
10:05 P.M.
"Well, that clears that up!" Brother Nitrous shouts sarcastically after watching the assemblage of surveillance videotapes.
Brother Foooz sits closer to Amanda, but he is very lost. He reaches into his jacket and yanks out a slightly warm beer.
"Yes, it's all a bit confusing," Sgt. Duffy concurs. "But if we all work together, maybe we can piece together..."
"SHUT UP!" cries a stuffed moose head on the wall. "I'm sick of listening to your yammering!"
"Moose on wall speak!" gasps Icy in a funny Chinese accent.
"Who are you?" Sgt. Duffy asks, addressing the moose head.
"I am the Ear!" shouts the moose. "I know all and see all! And right now, I know that you all are in a mess of trouble. But before we get to that, let me clear some things up. First of all, Veronica Ashcroft was murdered by her brother Richard, the Big Bad Wolf, who snuck into her bathroom and jabbed her with a poisoned hypodermic needle at 8:10 P.M. Richard and Veronica's twin sister Betty had been disinherited, so they figured they could kill Veronica, replace her with Betty, and claim their inheritance.
"As it turned out, Alicia, the Sexy Vampire also wanted to kill Veronica because of sexual jealousy. Alicia hid in Veronica's bedroom, then stabbed her with a sword she'd stolen from Brother Foooz, not knowing that Richard had already given Veronica a fatal dose of poison only minutes earlier. Alicia planned to frame Chip's frat brothers for Veronica's murder, but her plan went haywire when Betty appeared masquerading as her twin sister.
"Chip phoned in an anonymous tip that somebody was going to be killed at the party, because he was planning to murder his parents and inherit their money. He dosed Mike Wellman with LSD, hoping that his father's freak-out would lend credence to his Menendez Brothers-esque plea of self defense. The plan didn't work, largely because Chip was a nincompoop. Chip's gun accidentally went off during the confrontation with his father, fatally injuring Betty Ashcroft.
"Meanwhile, Brother Puris discovered Veronica's body and got knocked on the head and dumped down the laundry chute by Richard. Richard made a deal with Puris to keep Veronica's death a secret, in exchange for a cut of the inheritance money. Puris dumped Veronica's corpse into the incinerator. Chip found out and tried to restrain him. They both took a tumble down the cellar stairs and Chip wound up with a broken neck.
"Alicia was blackmailing Mike and Veronica and, in general, was making a nuisance of herself, so Veronica got her Mafia-connected Uncle Jack Marston, the Sheik, to hire the hit man, Salvatore. As it turns out, the police showed up before Salvatore could kill Alicia.
"Helen Asher overdosed on drugs provided by Gus the gardener to numb the pain of her life with Governor Asher, who is secretly a horrible, wife-beating monster. Helen's overdose was less a suicide attempt than a cry for help, and she might have pulled through if the zombies hadn't discovered her comatose body and eaten her brain."
Everyone looks around, uncertain whether they've heard correctly. "Zombies? What zombies?" Governor Asher asks, sneering.
Suddenly, the moaning from outside reaches a crescendo as a horde of zombies bursts through the windows and tears Governor Asher to pieces.
"I told you you were in trouble," the moose shouts. "GET
TO THE BASEMENT! IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE!"
