8:30 P.M.

From the ballroom, you hear the all time muppet classic, "Mnah mnah."

You examine the phone, a classic black touch-tone with redial, memo and flash buttons on the handset. It is still off the hook and beeping. You see a post-it stuck to the desk nearby, on which is written, "Salvatore, 823-8888."

Outside in the hall, you hear Icy yell, "It's not like I ain't seen you naked, bitch!"

You walk over to the VCR and notice there is a tape in it. You press play and find yourself staring at a moaning, writhing mass of naked bodies. After a moment, you recognize the Sexy Vampire, licking a rose tattoo on a sexy thigh which seems to belong to Chip's mother, Veronica, who is simultaneously giving oral pleasure to her husband, Mike Wellman.

You adjust the cat on your lap and tear your eyes away from the screen long enough to notice another videotape on top of the t.v., inside an open manila envelope addressed to Colonel Jack Marston, Ashcroft Manor. Where the return address should be is a drawing of an ear.

Outside, you hear a siren approaching the house. You go to the window and see an ambulance pulling up to the front door.

If you eject the tape of hanky-panky from the VCR, then replace it with the tape from the manila envelope and press play, click here.

If you lie down for a quick nap, click here.